Thursday, March 31, 2011

Speak The Words 'Live Action Akira Movie' And Ye' Speak The Words Of Heresy | #RemakeHell

Source: Cracked.com

Created in 1988, Akira is revered as an anime classic and through it's many milestones, has earned it's place in cinematic history.

Over the last 23 years I have dreamed of riding through super highways over 200km/h on an electric motorcycle, zipping through mega sewers on a gatling gun equipt flying bike, shooting down mutated machine encased men with backpack laser guns and having so much psycho kinetic power, I could transcend death. And for the last 23 tears I have patiently waited for the anime Akira, to be made into a live action film.



But not like this. Lord, please. Not like this.



First: News broke about the film is that the locale is being changed from Neo-Tokyo in the year 199X, to Manhattan in the year 202X. Really? This is heart wrenching. It takes away from the entire symbolism and meaning of the film, reminding people about how fucked up Japan was after the atom bombs got dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki! You bastards.

Second: The characters' race is being changed to white people. And not just any white people, casting rumors put British white people at the fore front! Michael Fassbender as Kaneda and Robert Pattinson as Tetsuo? WHAT-WHAT-WHAAAAT?! Yup, Magneto and Shiny Vampire boy are taking lead in order to get your girlfriend as interested in the movie as you are. Hell, if you're reading this right now, you probably already own Akira on DVD AND Bluray! And just as my wife has sat with me to watch it HELLA times, your kids probably have too! So the stories main audience doesn't need tweeny boppers giggling while in line with a "Team Tetsuo" t-shirt! I need awe inspiring visual and sound effects and boobs on screen. Gratuitous slow-mo trampoline bouncing boobs.

Third: Why not just keep it animated? Seriously, if you can adjust the $10 million USD it cost in 1988 to make this movie and put it into a traditional animation film today... you would have on your hands, simply the most epic tale told over hand drawn animation EVER! While Toy Story 3 was in theatres, it earned over $1 billion US dollars (yes, billion with a B). Now take a story that has 23 years of rabid otaku history behind it and VOILA! $2 BILLION!

Fourth: Kaneda's gang in Akira was a bunch of teenage motorcycle gang punks. And Hollywood wants to cast them as 30-something tea drinking wankers? (BTW, I do enjoy a cup of tea myself, so no offense, the prevous statement was used for dramatization) And can an American get a hero role? If this is to take place on Manhattan, can I get DJ Pauly D bouncin' around on a flame spewing chopper?

Lastly: After all these changes, can it really be called 'Akira'?
This fan made trailer has greater potential then Hollywood's vision.

To be presented over two films, this travesty is aimed at being rated PG-13.

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